Phoenix rising

I would be you, you would be me, we would be one, we would be just fine
The ice caps wouldn't be melting and neither would I, mmh
I would just drive my big old car, and everything would be alright
And energy would just fall down right from the sky, yeah

Words would fly right from out of my mind, out of my mind into your heart, into your life
And everything would sound just right, and no one would stop me from drinking my wine

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
My dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)

For the real world just don't feel right
I wouldn't spend my days searching for, searching for lost time, yeah hey yee (ooh ooh, dream)
I wouldn't be so damn sensitive, I'd let things go by
No matter what the weather, I'd learn to change, I'd change with the time, yeah he

And everytime I need a woman, she'd appear right by me
she hold me tight, treat me right, and tell me that everything is gonna be, is gonna be alright, alright

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld

I would tell Van Gogh that he was loved, there's no need to cry
I would say Marvin Gay your father didn't want you to die (dream)
There would be no black and white, the world just treat my wife right
We could down in Mississipi and no one would look at us trice, ehhe he yihi

That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, it's more than a dream
That's my dreamworld, that's my dreamworld, and I wanna live in my dream, (dream)

she sat quietly
as if gently sipping her tea
with the regal dignity
of a demigod
as she
complained to me
about the very thing
that she
had claimed to be
and i
not even offering to apologize
for my rudeness
my curt and 'quite frankly' manner
and then it occurred to me
that i am far more than she
can ever handle
and so i decide to remain quiet
and look to the clock
that struck inside my head
ringing in my very soul
for a new and undaunted hour
to behold
some truth
of why i am here
and what exactly it is that i do
for i am living proof of both father son
and holy ghost
for i am one that is the host
to heaven here on earth
or so i boast
on this place we call hell
or hell on earth
or that dirt
between hell and earth
i am birthed from the dying bohemian sun
and the revolution has already begun
and IT WILL NOT BE TELEVISED
so please do not sympathize
agonize
or otherwise try to improvise
those course actions for which you have only BEGUN to realize
for He is not be idolized
or conceptualized
but otherwise exalted
are you insulted by my stream
of ever flowing consciousness
confused by my ability to do
what you do not allow you're mind to do
what am i to you?
the spawn or the seed with which a flower has light enough to come through
am i not what you have asked of me
am i not a wish come true for you
i would do anything and to
admit that
on this shaking piece of paper
in my hand
as i stand alone in distant conversations with myself
in harmony

...always makes me kind of sad. i mean the kid is adorable, and yet he has very little to know self-confidence. i don't know why i am so affected by a cartoon, but i just had to state on the record that charlie brown is a great kid, we need more like him!

so i was in long island today. visiting a very dear friend of mine that i met at suny cortland. many moons ago...anyway, she just had a baby. (who is adorable) and yes, yes, while i am in love with the baby and made a proclamation that i am going to be a single mother before i'm 30, that isn't what dawned on me today. she asked me what my next move was. which, i admit, took me a little off guard. i mean i know i am playing around with many, MANY, fascinating new and trying adventures but in the end i think i can honestly say i have no idea. everything is looking good right about now. having a kid by myself in 3 years, continuing teaching and full force build a theater/drama program at the high school (which i have already started), quitting teaching and getting back into performing (SCARY!!!!!!), doing the open mic/low budget/amateur theater thing, singing (man i really really miss singing. i actually went through about 20 show tunes the other night including the impossible dream from man of la mancha. i had just about given up on actually doing it myself again) or (the super scary) turn teaching into an actual profession and go for an administrator's license.

some things are more attractive than others. for instance, i love teaching and yet i am not a fan of administration, which leads me to think that i'd be better at it than the people i work with (which is so pompous. i know. i really do know how ridiculous it sounds) but i think that is just my impatience with organizational structures that i have not designed or been apart of designing. (such a brat)

and then there's performing, like seriously just dropping everything and taking acting/dance/voice again and auditions and rejection and competition and mean people that on the whole scare me most of the time because i believe talent is talent and everything else should be checked at the door. but then again...i love to eat out, or eat in general. and having healthcare is plus...

so then it's like, okay how about finding the balance. like demo. she's an art teacher (and one HELL of an art teacher at that!) by day and an artist (quite literally one of new york city's premiere live painting artists as well as dj/poet and everything else) by night. i mean the woman is my idol. i want to be her when i grow up.

but i don't know how to do it.

but, as true friends always do, bella reminded of something that is quintessential to my existence: the next step. the next big thing has been my thing since (honestly) middle school. see in middle school it was all about getting together the right mix of stuff for a kick ass portfolio to go to a good high school. and then in high school it was all about rounding out the individual with as many diverse extra curricular activities as possible to get into a good college. and then college was all about being brainzy and ballsy and landing a secure job. (and somewhere in there i know i was supposed to find myself, which i did, at the very last possible moment, even though i had been staring at myself in the face for quite sometime...literally)

and so now, my parents, my family, are generally proud. i still pull the classic 'jenae' antics. moments of complete brainlessness in which one would wonder where all of the education could possibly be hiding. and while i am not mean spirited, and i'm actually delicate (well, no, not delicate...sensitive. i'm very sensitive) i do, for the most part, have good intentions. i just sometimes let my mouth/actions get in the way before i think (which, thank you very much Brendan for saying its actually not as fun when i think before i speak. you're right my internal monologue is deafening and it doesn't feel like i am being true to me if i actually just hang on to it and don't say anything. i literally have no idea how to act when i try to 'think' before i speak. there's what i say in my head and then i listen to it in my head and it sounds pretty dumb so then i decide not to say anything at all and then it just sits and takes bites out of the pit of my stomach causing me to make weird faces and feel ridiculous whereas if i would have just said it, it could at least be in the universe and dealt with accordingly) but that impulse to just say/do. that's totally apart of who i am. and it took my a long time to like who i am. and of course when i finally get comfortable and feel like 'hey this could work' the people around me start freaking out and asking EVERY FUCKING DAY if i am still "taking my meds" (which is totally not an appropriate question to be asking a teacher in the middle of class even if she is your friend. and, i'll say it, it quite frankly pissed me off) and here i am thinking 'hey this could work. life is good. sure there's bad times, and as long as i know i'm not gonna feel like that forever it's all gonna be cool' which was the point of asking for help...right?

anyway, i say all of this (in a very long run-on sentence that probably only makes sense to me) to say: fuck 'em. i'm not broken. not a damn thing that needs to be fixed. upgraded, modified, absolutely. fixed? no. i'm good. i really am. inside and out. i don't mean harm to ANYONE. no one! and whether i agree with you or not, i respect you, you're human. so yeah...there isn't anything wrong with me, just maybe a little different, and that's something i embraced before. so why am i calling into question now?

anyway, the next big step for me? i have no idea. i couldn't even try to fabricate something to sound good right now. because i don't know. and that is a little scary for me because (as someone in the medical profession once pointed out) i have the golden carrot syndrome (or at least i did) i'd hold the expectation in front of me and when i achieved it or surpassed it, i didn't celebrate it, i looked at what i did wrong and set a new expectation. and while there is nothing 'wrong' with setting expectations for yourself (because really everyone, i believe, needs something to look forward to) you must always reward yourself for a job well done.it doesn't mean much to have everyone else proud of you if you are not proud of yourself. and i get that. i do.

so i don't know when i'll figure out what my next big step is. but something that i trust is my gut. it has yet to lead me down a path that was NOT beneficial for my growth as a daughter, sister, cousin, niece, student, friend, artist, historian, woman. of everything that i have done (and i have done some downright cruel things) i wouldn't change a thing.

when i listen, my prayers are always answered.

i have a headache and it can be for a multitude of reasons. i'm thinking its my contacts because i can barely see what i am typing. but who knows.

my life is predictable. and i am coming to really not like that. i wake up. i get ready. i feed my cats. i'm late for work. i teach. i come home. i feed my cats. i sleep until the next morning. and i do the same thing all over again. even though i don't really sleep, i toss and turn in bed until its time for me to get up in the morning. how pathetic.

san francisco. what about san francisco? i'll be finished with my masters at the end of this year. and my advisory graduates in2010. so i can be free of new york, even though i love this city. and go off and figure out what i want to be when i grow up. i mean, to be totally honest, i don't know if i can deal with this for the rest of my life. i love teaching. i love the kids. i even like some of the other teachers. but i hate the system. i despise the system. i can't imagine letting myself be drained by the system. and i feel it slipping away from me. i feel my thoughts becoming more in line with those "grownups". it started as something subtle like my wardrobe. but now my thoughts!!!! talk about invasion of privacy. i only want the kids to notice me. i don't want the administration to know i exist. is that really so much to ask?

maybe i wanna take a theatre class, pursue something as outlandish as theatre. after facing adolescents everyday for the past three years i have developed relatively thick skin, more so than i had when i was in college, definitely more than when i was in high school. i'm beginning to think i chose the safe route i guess. and that kind of scares me.

things that aren't fair are stated perfectly in the song ironic by alanis morrisette, the theme of this particular rant: "it's like meeting the man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful wife"

what is it with me? really. i mean really?!?!? i have on the books officially decided to have a child within the next three years. now this means that i will have a child within the next three years because whenever i speak the proclamation aloud, it comes to life. as it should (law of attraction baby) anyway, i have also decided that i am going to have this child, most likely alone. HOLD THE PHONE! i have not stated that i necessarily want to have a child by myself, however that ticking time bomb which has become my biological has made it clear that i desire a child which grow into these wonderfully frustrating beings with whom i will be forever tied. its a miracle its beautiful. and it is something that i want. especially with both grandfathers buried, it just feels right. and i can't explain it any better than that. anyway, so i've put it out in the universe that i want a child. know i have also put out int the universe that its ok if i parent this child alone, because I want a child, and that is never something you force on someone else. with all of that said, i'm feeling less and less like - i don't know- like i'm incapable of functional relationships. which i'm kind of okay with. it's weird but true. i think, well, most days anyway. so with this knowledge i am venturing into a very interesting year.

1. for the first time, in a very very very long time, i am without pillow talk companions to fill my weekends and random weeknights. and i'm okay with it because essentially they were empty arrangements to fulfill a physical need.

2. my conscience is clear, and that's a biggie

3. i actually had a good visit with my mother that didn't end with me wanting to pull my hair out. while we had our moments, we faced with an impeccable amount of maturity. i'm very proud of us.

4. i have cats. i have two cats. i thought i hated cats. and i realized i really don't. i like having the company at night. and its kind of cool caring for living creatures because even on my most ridiculous days when i don't want to get out of bed and let alone shower, they are there needing to be fed and brushed and a litter box needing to be cleaned.

5. i've reached a level of confidence at my job where i really don't care about what my co-workers think or say about me, which makes going into work a lot easier than it was a year ago.

6. i have recently discovered that i project insecurity when i try to explain myself. and interestingly enough its not even the things that i really insecure about, so i just need to stop explaining myself because i can't make everyone happy. and that kids is the moral of the story. I can't make everyone happy. i can do the best that i can at every possible moment. i can be the best daughter, sister, relative, friend, teacher, artist, that i can be at each and every moment. and that is all i can continue to work towards.

7. (this is my favorite) if i give myself enough time to wade out the emotion i am less likely to do something emotionally of physically destructive. and that's where writing has come into play. writing music, really bad poems, and journaling have in fact allowed me to look at how irrational some of the things i do, and have done, are. and while i can't ever take anything i've done back. in the end, i'm not a bad person. i am filled with good intentions, and blessings, and idealism, and a little bit of rebellion left over from a head strong adolescence, but i'm ok. and i accept - no, no- i embrace that about me. so the want of love is normal. so the need for touch is normal. but i don' have to be drastic, and if i'm patient enough, i'll know what to do when the time comes.

whenever i am feeling the most alone, or sad, or "under-the-weather", I think of the cheshire cat from alice in wonderland. i spend immense amounts of time wishing that i could turn invisible in front of someone's eyes and only reappear when i deem it necessary. the wise and foolish trickster, that's what i am.

a teacher is dead. his intentions unclear. a good friend is pregnant, her future uncertain. friends getting married, grandfather lost, brother getting older, parents moving on. i preach so much that we must continually move forward. that motion is the only state of existence, because a standstill is unnatural. we can not stand transfixed on the muddy green sky, our eyes watching god, and expect to find the answer...ANY answer.

and when i come home at night, i curl into a ball, and think of becoming the cheshire cat.

sometimes the one thing you need is to take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while (billy joel, vienna for those unfamiliar). that is precisely what i did today. and i feel okay. it started to ran, as if mirroring my mood, which has made me change my workout plans from a light jog to intense yoga. no worries, its friday, and tomorrow is yet another day.

i found myself lost in the world of another book today, in between my napping, and i was outside the realm of the city for a few hours. how nice it must be to travel whenever you want to, to blindly pursue what feels right in your heart, to just go for it. to some i am highly impractical in nature and to others i am too methodological in nature and i am dying for someone to notice that i am working on the balance of the two.

i have been broken, like a horse, into the monotony of the public education system in new york. and i know how i would have felt about it two years ago, but i am not sure how i feel about it now. it's funny how in less than a year, your belief structure can be called into question and the outward expression of self changes so rapidly to keep up that you suddenly fin yourself lost in a world that will always continue to move forward. politics, friendliness, values, intrinsic beliefs, spirituality, everything you have known yourself to be, is questioned and, being wholly unprepared for the fight, you find yourself reluctantly submitting to the very things you fought against. secrecy, deceit, competition, and dormant rebellion has replaced honesty, clairvoyance, truth, and an unnerving ability to articulate those truths in all circumstances. i am struggling to find the balance between playing their game and winning at my own. and i admit, i am currently losing.

woe is me.

okay, so i have a bit of a professional dilemma, haha, when don't i? I have witnessed what vultures can do first hand when they don't like you. it's incredible how power hungry and inconsiderate people become the more corporate based public education becomes. i mean, i would think that anyone who subjects them self to this kind of abuse on a daily basis does so because of a higher calling. i am finding that for some people it is just their way of making a impression on a career, because maybe they didn't know what else to do with their time. and that's a shame. because i really believe in what i am doing. i know that i am doing it for the kids and everything i do, right or wrong, is towards the end of seeing them succeed. i admit that some of the stunts i pull or in fact on the border of legal, but you know what, i am effective, and i know it.

so now that i have tutted my own horn, i would like t say that i want students to be the central focus of everything i do. i give them credit for retaining information. and i give them credit for completing work, because you know what for most of the m their disabilities are s severe and they have dis serviced for so long tat i have to ask them for so little by anyones else's standards just to ensure that they will in fact try. teaching is 98 percent boosting the confidence of a student and 2 percent content. and even when you have a gifted student it is in fact your duty, in my opinion, push that student even further and challenge them at every step because experience will always give you a one up on them.

Intelligence plus character. That is the true goal of education. (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You did something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

at least that's over.

“hi”
silence
“how are you?”
“i’ve been better”
silence
“what are you up to?”
“nothing”
silence
“what’s new?”
“not much”
silence
silence
silence
“well i just wanted to see how things were going...”
silence
“okay, well have a good day”
silence
“love you”
(mumbled) “love you too”
silence
click

forgive my confusion. clearly i'm missing something

like i am walking on eggshells.

did you ever have the feeling you were being set up to fail?

i wonder how long it would take anyone to realize i am dead.

should the plant be out there that long?

i really need to clean.

why can't i wake up earlier?

(thoughts i've had today)

sometimes i think that being a teacher is some masochistic ploy at myself because i don't cut the way i used to, and that really i do it because there is some point in my life that i am trying t relive everyday because i feel as though i didn't do it correctly the first time.

what the hell is wrong with me, i don't. i am in my own world of tireless whining yet again, when there are people in the world who really have reasons to be writing, real people in the world who have real problems, and i am complaining about my fucking perfectly life because i don't feel perfect in it. well that's just fucking great now isn't it. this melodramatic little bitch has found something to complain about: nothing.

work is getting to me, only a little, right. i want to go home, i want to stay underneath the covers i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't want to do anything but sleep or not even sleep just lie in the bed and stay there until i feel better, because eventually i will feel better, right? of course this never lasts "every one has bad days" that's what my mom says. but i am more than a little bad right now, i don't know what the fuck i am....and i find it annoying



I FUCKING HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!?!?


(that was what i typed on monday...and today)

this was the longest slowest week of my life. school politics is insane, and detrimental to the students. its amazing that for all of the reasons that a person decides to get into education, which are usually noble, that they find themselves becoming more and more self-serving and concentrate on self-aggrandizement rather than the original purpose of public education, or just education in general. we become so infused with our own knowledge that we forget to impart it on others. that we forget to say "i'm here because i want to be here. i am here because i believe in being here. i am here to teach" and instead we tell ourselves that we are here to further our career and that as we climb the ladder we are doing so at the benefit of others. we are climbing the ladder so that we can help more people, but really what are we climbing that ladder for? usually, when you're honest with yourself, self- serving interests. more money, more opportunity. for yourself. not for your students. and how frustrating it is to be grouped with people who do not share the same belief that we are all here to better th child. that we are here not to worry about how much overtime we make, not how much money is in the paycheck, but to enlighten. to help our students "find their mantra to awaken their subconscious"

today my mentor from my college stopped by to introduce himself and see how things were going. he arrived at a quarter after and didn't find me until ten to. apparently i couldn't b found anywhere, despite the fact that i was exactly where i was schedueled to be (co-teaching a class).

i am exhausted. i had an okay day. i don't think it was bad, i got my students to write the beginings of an essay, which makes me proud. i am so drained. just wiped out. i came straight home afterwork. i haven't done much of anything, but i can't seem to fall asleep. that's all i want to do right now...sleep. i still haven't gone to the doctor. i'm not sleeping, i'm constantly late for work, and i just can't seem to concentrate at certains times during the day. i'm due. i know that. but i am just kind of existing right now. i hate that feeling. there is soo much that i should be happy about, and i am, but the happiness is fleeting and then i return to this state at the end of the day...typing with y eyes closed, well barely open, and my fingers just kind of moving across the ketboard. it's finally begininng to rain. i've been wishing for it all day, it's just been teasing me.

on and on i type hoping that something will come out of these words to help me understand why i am feeling like this, and still there is nothing. no thoughts, no feelings, just numbness...and the rain

many things to be grateful for. my family, my friends, my career, my boyfriend, my new computor (YAY). so it kills me when i get all messed up and fidgety. i mea really what do i have to complain about?

school is going relatively well. i guess i should have expected with the administration change the change in the atmosphere of my work environment. i can't complain their either because it seems i am an early favorite and relly that just means i will be able to do what i think is necessary to do without having to explain myself every step of the way.

my kids are not off the wall, but difficult. i have to admit that i daily comlain about those guys, i need to get it off my chest somehow. so i am keeping a journal just for that class. i think i started it for two reasons: 1. i need to turn in a journal assignment at the end of the semester anyway, and 2. i really do believe in self reflection. i used to hate having to keep a journal at nysti keeping track of all ofthe things i was supposedly learning when i was an intern. what they didn't stress was this absolute need to self relfect. it is soo incredible important to write down your feelings, as raw as they are, without redaction or correction and just feel what you feel. only then, i believe anyway, you can look back and grow from there. i love looking back at the things that i hav written, it reminds me how far i've come, especially when it feels as though i am not moving at all. and i have come far. i don't really know if anyone around me feels it, but i do.

the way i dress for instance, my complete sense of style is changing. and it seems so shallow. tho think that "oh so what i am changing the type of clothes that i am wearing". but it feels important to me. i mean i have always been for exressing myself through the way i look. and it usually is the best representation of my mood, attitude for the day. so to have that change is like the icing on te cake. the internal change definitely happened this summer. and i wish i kept a journal so i could pinpoint when, but i really feel as though i am coming into my own. and it feels wonderful and scary and exciting at the same time. i know who i am. i really do. i like to pretend as if i don't, i like to act as if i have no idea but there is this core that i am so incredibly aware of its scary.

i don't think i am making sense anymore. all i wanted to say was: i'm happy to be home

back to the real world and i am starting to doubt again. i have nothing to really complain about, i feel helpless, and i want to curl up and sleep...for a while. i don't know. i wishi i knew...

.... that its is a little ironic that at three in the morning i am about to heat up some baked ziti and print out pilates routines?

..i'm not really, but it seems as though i want to spend as much time as i can asleep in preparation for the incoming school year. it looks as though i will be with seventh grade all day, the better for me to deal with as opposed to jumping between the grades. i'd like to have a simplfied scheduele but i don't know if i am really cut out for it. i like to spend my time planning, i've learned the importance of having a clear and explict plan for everything when it comes to teaching. and i supposed i don't plan anywhere else in my life b/c i am sure to surround myself with people who will plan for me. how self-centered and fucked up is that? i know that when i fall, b/c i tend to stumble often, there will always be someone to catch me. is it that i need to fall by myself in order to become the responsible adult that keeps creeping up at the most unexpected times. i am changing my decisions daily. trying to look toward what i've commited myself to and how that will affect me in the long run, i'm trying my damndest to do not what i think i am supposed to do but what i feel is right. i am trying to mature because i feel i have wasted so much time being a teenager when i have long left those years behind me. i don't know that my spirited playfulness is what my students need, but i don't want to be like everyone else, my circuitous argument is becoming repititious even to me and i have hence stoped writing about it. it doesn't seem to help to pour and pour myself into the words and lyrics that fly freely out of my head i want to concentrate my energy but i can't seem to find a way to do that. i want to be productive, and all i seem to be doing is sleeping and dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. my problems aren't going away, but then again what problems do i have. my family is wonderful. my friends are amazing. my boyfriend should really be with someone much better than i. i have my home, i have my plan, i have a beautiful life that i honestly didn't think i was ever going to achieve. i was always so used to "what's the next step?" that since i've gotten here, i've made it to that step i've worked for, that i really don't know what i am supposed to be doing.