Phoenix rising

sometimes the one thing you need is to take the phone off the hook and disappear for a while (billy joel, vienna for those unfamiliar). that is precisely what i did today. and i feel okay. it started to ran, as if mirroring my mood, which has made me change my workout plans from a light jog to intense yoga. no worries, its friday, and tomorrow is yet another day.

i found myself lost in the world of another book today, in between my napping, and i was outside the realm of the city for a few hours. how nice it must be to travel whenever you want to, to blindly pursue what feels right in your heart, to just go for it. to some i am highly impractical in nature and to others i am too methodological in nature and i am dying for someone to notice that i am working on the balance of the two.

i have been broken, like a horse, into the monotony of the public education system in new york. and i know how i would have felt about it two years ago, but i am not sure how i feel about it now. it's funny how in less than a year, your belief structure can be called into question and the outward expression of self changes so rapidly to keep up that you suddenly fin yourself lost in a world that will always continue to move forward. politics, friendliness, values, intrinsic beliefs, spirituality, everything you have known yourself to be, is questioned and, being wholly unprepared for the fight, you find yourself reluctantly submitting to the very things you fought against. secrecy, deceit, competition, and dormant rebellion has replaced honesty, clairvoyance, truth, and an unnerving ability to articulate those truths in all circumstances. i am struggling to find the balance between playing their game and winning at my own. and i admit, i am currently losing.

woe is me.

okay, so i have a bit of a professional dilemma, haha, when don't i? I have witnessed what vultures can do first hand when they don't like you. it's incredible how power hungry and inconsiderate people become the more corporate based public education becomes. i mean, i would think that anyone who subjects them self to this kind of abuse on a daily basis does so because of a higher calling. i am finding that for some people it is just their way of making a impression on a career, because maybe they didn't know what else to do with their time. and that's a shame. because i really believe in what i am doing. i know that i am doing it for the kids and everything i do, right or wrong, is towards the end of seeing them succeed. i admit that some of the stunts i pull or in fact on the border of legal, but you know what, i am effective, and i know it.

so now that i have tutted my own horn, i would like t say that i want students to be the central focus of everything i do. i give them credit for retaining information. and i give them credit for completing work, because you know what for most of the m their disabilities are s severe and they have dis serviced for so long tat i have to ask them for so little by anyones else's standards just to ensure that they will in fact try. teaching is 98 percent boosting the confidence of a student and 2 percent content. and even when you have a gifted student it is in fact your duty, in my opinion, push that student even further and challenge them at every step because experience will always give you a one up on them.

Intelligence plus character. That is the true goal of education. (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.)

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You did something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

at least that's over.

“hi”
silence
“how are you?”
“i’ve been better”
silence
“what are you up to?”
“nothing”
silence
“what’s new?”
“not much”
silence
silence
silence
“well i just wanted to see how things were going...”
silence
“okay, well have a good day”
silence
“love you”
(mumbled) “love you too”
silence
click

forgive my confusion. clearly i'm missing something

You have been sent to the front lines. I call for you in the middle of the night, and you do not hear my cries over the battle call. I have waited for you, day and night, listened with my heart, and still there is no word from you. I sit patiently, watching the horizon, and still no word from you.

I imagine it is exciting being away from us. This simple town, this simple life, was never meant for someone as ambitious as you. I imagine that you have found your place and where it fits in with the world around us. I imagine that this is a tempting and wonderful discovery. I imagine that it is almost impossible to picture yourself returning to the mundane. It was not meant for you, and you were not meant for it.

I wish you well in all of your endeavors. I wish you the very best of luck. I hope that you find happiness, peace, security, life, and love. I hope that you do slay the dragon, defeat the witch, and marry the princess. I am sorry my simple ways were not big enough for your dreams.

We simply can not be.

Best Wishes,

Me

like i am walking on eggshells.

did you ever have the feeling you were being set up to fail?

i wonder how long it would take anyone to realize i am dead.

should the plant be out there that long?

i really need to clean.

why can't i wake up earlier?

(thoughts i've had today)

sometimes i think that being a teacher is some masochistic ploy at myself because i don't cut the way i used to, and that really i do it because there is some point in my life that i am trying t relive everyday because i feel as though i didn't do it correctly the first time.

what the hell is wrong with me, i don't. i am in my own world of tireless whining yet again, when there are people in the world who really have reasons to be writing, real people in the world who have real problems, and i am complaining about my fucking perfectly life because i don't feel perfect in it. well that's just fucking great now isn't it. this melodramatic little bitch has found something to complain about: nothing.

work is getting to me, only a little, right. i want to go home, i want to stay underneath the covers i don't want to talk to anyone, i don't want to do anything but sleep or not even sleep just lie in the bed and stay there until i feel better, because eventually i will feel better, right? of course this never lasts "every one has bad days" that's what my mom says. but i am more than a little bad right now, i don't know what the fuck i am....and i find it annoying



I FUCKING HATE MYSELF RIGHT NOW AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!?!?


(that was what i typed on monday...and today)

this was the longest slowest week of my life. school politics is insane, and detrimental to the students. its amazing that for all of the reasons that a person decides to get into education, which are usually noble, that they find themselves becoming more and more self-serving and concentrate on self-aggrandizement rather than the original purpose of public education, or just education in general. we become so infused with our own knowledge that we forget to impart it on others. that we forget to say "i'm here because i want to be here. i am here because i believe in being here. i am here to teach" and instead we tell ourselves that we are here to further our career and that as we climb the ladder we are doing so at the benefit of others. we are climbing the ladder so that we can help more people, but really what are we climbing that ladder for? usually, when you're honest with yourself, self- serving interests. more money, more opportunity. for yourself. not for your students. and how frustrating it is to be grouped with people who do not share the same belief that we are all here to better th child. that we are here not to worry about how much overtime we make, not how much money is in the paycheck, but to enlighten. to help our students "find their mantra to awaken their subconscious"

today my mentor from my college stopped by to introduce himself and see how things were going. he arrived at a quarter after and didn't find me until ten to. apparently i couldn't b found anywhere, despite the fact that i was exactly where i was schedueled to be (co-teaching a class).

i am exhausted. i had an okay day. i don't think it was bad, i got my students to write the beginings of an essay, which makes me proud. i am so drained. just wiped out. i came straight home afterwork. i haven't done much of anything, but i can't seem to fall asleep. that's all i want to do right now...sleep. i still haven't gone to the doctor. i'm not sleeping, i'm constantly late for work, and i just can't seem to concentrate at certains times during the day. i'm due. i know that. but i am just kind of existing right now. i hate that feeling. there is soo much that i should be happy about, and i am, but the happiness is fleeting and then i return to this state at the end of the day...typing with y eyes closed, well barely open, and my fingers just kind of moving across the ketboard. it's finally begininng to rain. i've been wishing for it all day, it's just been teasing me.

on and on i type hoping that something will come out of these words to help me understand why i am feeling like this, and still there is nothing. no thoughts, no feelings, just numbness...and the rain

many things to be grateful for. my family, my friends, my career, my boyfriend, my new computor (YAY). so it kills me when i get all messed up and fidgety. i mea really what do i have to complain about?

school is going relatively well. i guess i should have expected with the administration change the change in the atmosphere of my work environment. i can't complain their either because it seems i am an early favorite and relly that just means i will be able to do what i think is necessary to do without having to explain myself every step of the way.

my kids are not off the wall, but difficult. i have to admit that i daily comlain about those guys, i need to get it off my chest somehow. so i am keeping a journal just for that class. i think i started it for two reasons: 1. i need to turn in a journal assignment at the end of the semester anyway, and 2. i really do believe in self reflection. i used to hate having to keep a journal at nysti keeping track of all ofthe things i was supposedly learning when i was an intern. what they didn't stress was this absolute need to self relfect. it is soo incredible important to write down your feelings, as raw as they are, without redaction or correction and just feel what you feel. only then, i believe anyway, you can look back and grow from there. i love looking back at the things that i hav written, it reminds me how far i've come, especially when it feels as though i am not moving at all. and i have come far. i don't really know if anyone around me feels it, but i do.

the way i dress for instance, my complete sense of style is changing. and it seems so shallow. tho think that "oh so what i am changing the type of clothes that i am wearing". but it feels important to me. i mean i have always been for exressing myself through the way i look. and it usually is the best representation of my mood, attitude for the day. so to have that change is like the icing on te cake. the internal change definitely happened this summer. and i wish i kept a journal so i could pinpoint when, but i really feel as though i am coming into my own. and it feels wonderful and scary and exciting at the same time. i know who i am. i really do. i like to pretend as if i don't, i like to act as if i have no idea but there is this core that i am so incredibly aware of its scary.

i don't think i am making sense anymore. all i wanted to say was: i'm happy to be home

back to the real world and i am starting to doubt again. i have nothing to really complain about, i feel helpless, and i want to curl up and sleep...for a while. i don't know. i wishi i knew...

.... that its is a little ironic that at three in the morning i am about to heat up some baked ziti and print out pilates routines?

..i'm not really, but it seems as though i want to spend as much time as i can asleep in preparation for the incoming school year. it looks as though i will be with seventh grade all day, the better for me to deal with as opposed to jumping between the grades. i'd like to have a simplfied scheduele but i don't know if i am really cut out for it. i like to spend my time planning, i've learned the importance of having a clear and explict plan for everything when it comes to teaching. and i supposed i don't plan anywhere else in my life b/c i am sure to surround myself with people who will plan for me. how self-centered and fucked up is that? i know that when i fall, b/c i tend to stumble often, there will always be someone to catch me. is it that i need to fall by myself in order to become the responsible adult that keeps creeping up at the most unexpected times. i am changing my decisions daily. trying to look toward what i've commited myself to and how that will affect me in the long run, i'm trying my damndest to do not what i think i am supposed to do but what i feel is right. i am trying to mature because i feel i have wasted so much time being a teenager when i have long left those years behind me. i don't know that my spirited playfulness is what my students need, but i don't want to be like everyone else, my circuitous argument is becoming repititious even to me and i have hence stoped writing about it. it doesn't seem to help to pour and pour myself into the words and lyrics that fly freely out of my head i want to concentrate my energy but i can't seem to find a way to do that. i want to be productive, and all i seem to be doing is sleeping and dreaming and dreaming and dreaming. my problems aren't going away, but then again what problems do i have. my family is wonderful. my friends are amazing. my boyfriend should really be with someone much better than i. i have my home, i have my plan, i have a beautiful life that i honestly didn't think i was ever going to achieve. i was always so used to "what's the next step?" that since i've gotten here, i've made it to that step i've worked for, that i really don't know what i am supposed to be doing.

i do. all the time really its quite annoying. and though i must admit that i haven't had a true episode (one that knocks me down- literally- for several minutese at a time and somewhere i wonder in the back of brain who is this person screaming, until i realize thaty it is me) in months, she sneaks up from behind and says hello. i wonder who is talking when i hear the voice inside my head that says 'i'm fine' i wonder 'am i really?' and then i remind myself that it can always be worse. because it can always be worse. maybe i'm just a hypochondriac. maybe my parents are right and i am just fine and really there is absolutely nothing wrong with me. maybe i am just melodramatic. and maybe i am slowly waking from the dream of a dream.

what i mean to say is i'm fine.

really.

i mean, i'm happy. nothing could possibly be wrong.

have you looked at my life. i have it soo ridiculously made for my age. and i'm just starting, and trust me, i am JUST starting.

so then why do i feel like something is missing.

well i think i have found a way to clear that up. i've decided to take the theatre cst (teacher cert test) so that i can teacher theatre all the time. it doesn't require to me to take any additional classes and l*rd knows i have enough experience to do it, so what is stopping me? special education is my nitch. i'm good at it. and the theatre is my passion, i want to be better at it. and music is a gift, a true gift. so why deny myself that simple pleasure.

i will find out what this means one day.

you just wait.

these past two days have tested every ounce of my very impatient patience. i want to crawl in my bed and sleep until next july, but i can't wait until september, half because i want to do what i want to do and half because i don't believe they are going to let me do it until i see that they let me do it. but whatever, that is niether here nor there and soon i will be wishing that i am back here in this moment so that i could have made a better choice instead of posting on livejournal i could be working on my powerpoint presentation with my partner who is currently in the hall dealing with something very serious and she doesn't want to share and i am sure that there is nothing that i coulkd do about it and no advice that i could give her about it and then i wouold just feel like i shoulc really write that down which is wha i have been saying for the past few weeks because there are so many things going through my head at once that when i sleep i don't think i really sleep and i have all but stop dr4eaming and i really think that dreaming is a very important part of living because it is your minds way of connecting to the universe when youy are not fully concious but that's just my theor and what do i really know anyway because its not like i'm really that smart i just have the appearance of being that way and i'm not very brave i just give that off too except that when i was seventeen the object of my every affection told me that i have to have those qualities somewhere in order for them to come out even if they seem to only come out on very rare occassions and not when i want them to like when i am standing in the hallway next to my fifteen year old cousin who is currently in the i am too cool to admit that i still look up to you even though i do phase when a teacher is telling me to be mindful of tlking about oyher teachers at staff meetings when i was paying her a complement and i all i wanted to say to her was fuck you, you aren'y as awesome as you think you are, but thought better of it because that would not have been very mature and though i am mature i choose to act the way i do because it fits my personality i have tried the quiet thing the lay down and die thing the fit in to be liked thing and always wondered why i didn't like it and it was because i wasn't being ture to myself and really that's the only person that we can be true to in this world becuase God already knows who we are and what we are capable of so there really isn't any point in denying that but who really believes in God anyway and where is He when those people him need them the most and what do i know anyway i am just a first year teacher who is twenty three years old and no i haven't found the art of being professional and showing my mature all of the time but i have certainly come a long way and i pat myslef on the back for not crying myself to sleep at night and not cutting up my fucking arms to prove that i too feel and not drinking myself into oblivion i am not screwing everyone that comes within a sightline i am not hanging off of the roof of the building just to feel like i am living my life and i am

something so impenetrable
so terrible
so consuming
that you no longer what to do with yourself.

that is what i feel right now

sadness

and i can't seem to shake it off

i don't want to be here anymore

trouble is

where would i go.

to hell.
no i'm not strong enough

to purgatory.
no i'm not patient enough

to heaven.
no i'm not pure enough

so what them?
what am i left with?
this life?
this sad and mis-shaped life?
life?
this life?
my life?

whose life is it anyway?


my parents think that i am not settled. in less than a year i have had three addresses.
my mother reminds me that i am no longer in college. and i can't arrange my living according to the school year, those days are long over. my father says he doesn't want sleepless nights. he doesn't want to be concerned about my security. my mother told me that i was unstable.

my brother was learning about Jesus' first miracle with our cousin in the park.

my roommate thinks i am crazy.
the other one is trying to do what she can.

my students know that somethings up. my boss is beginning to get get curious.

my friends don't know.

and brendan, poor brendan, has to deal with the sharp edges of the broken pieces.

i'm not living my life in the city they say. i'm not committing to one place they say. i am not as strong as i say that i am they say. i am not acting like an adult they say.

and suddenly i was sixteen again and the only thing i could do was close myself into a shell and wish that i was the cheshire cat so that i could disappear and only appear when needed or wanted even if they don't realize it is me in who they called.

i was sixteen again, with tears in my eyes as i looked at my father trying to tell him that i can not bare it when he is disappointed with me. that i can't stomach the tension in his voice. that my heart heavies every time i feel that i have let him down.

maybe i should stay in the city this summer, take my classes at city, leave summerstage to next summer. maybe i should really look for an apartment by myself. maybe i should just give nysti a rest once and for all. maybe i should follow their advice/suggestions. maybe i am just being a bratty teenager desperately seeking for them to tell me what to do. maybe i haven't grown at all.

but then,

whose life am i living?

what does a heart attack feel like?

mixed signals are something that boiled downs to miscommunication. and i think that miscommunication is one of the biggest sources of problems in the world. miscommunication is something that i do not think that anyone is a fan of. so forgive me if i say that i am not a fan. well, of miscommunication that is.

with that said,

one of the mixed messages that i feel we have today is, take accountability for your actions using "I statements" AND don't be self-centered. self-centered has two slightly different definitions or very different depending on your view. anyway the first definitions is: self-centered- independent of outside force or influence, in other words self sufficient. I like that definition. The second is: concerned solely with one's own desires, needs, or intrests. when we consider the word self-centered we normally use it in the sense of the second definition.

a very angry tirade would have followed that, however, with special thanks to one of the most insprirational women in my life (michael), i propel myself forward instead of back and find the love and truth in myself and ALL in which i am surrounded...

the soung that beautifies life from age to age
capturing the spirits of the past
present
and future
gather in awe of the beauty and light that shines within
us all
knowing of a deeper, higher, fuller connection
together
in peace and love
in truth and understanding
in compassion and trust
in good
in the essence
we are children of men
and souls
of light

and i don't feel a thing